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  • Brian Keller

I Probably could have dated Gwyneth Paltrow if I was not so diligent.

Updated: Jun 8, 2022

From the Editors: Please note: The writer of this column pitched us this idea the other day.

We told him, "We thought it was good the first time we published it."

He said: "What you published was an article. This is now digital content that has also been curated twice for extra seamless integration. It breaks out of its previous silos, and it should provide some actionable insights. The old column was analog, as I handwrote first. I believe this column would make me an Influencer/Disruptor/Thought Leader. "

We said: "You just changed the dates."

He said: "Really, what do you want from me, yes, I changed the dates, that's the new content. Because I'm less neurotic than most writers and thrive in a fast-paced environment, I've made sure this piece is now laser focused and ready to move the needle. Are you happy now, Beyond Madison Avenue?"

And now, previously written content with changed dates, a summer shower of new material, and no neurosis all spun through a disruption process and curated twice.

Happy 4th of July, everyone.

12:06 AM, Thursday, June 27, 2019

I write for an ad agency and write a column weekly for Beyond Madison Avenue. This week I promised two columns. Now, I must be lucid, think of columns, and create a pitch deck for work. Impossible. I'll get up early tomorrow to meet the deadline and complete the deck.

6:00 PM, Thursday, June 27, 2019

Writing is easy with an idea. I'll wait until I have one, then Beyond Madison Avenue will get my best. I owe them that.

6:25 PM, Thursday, June 27, 2019

My eyes hurt from almost writing—damn computer screen. Damn technology, damn it all to Hell. I rested my eyes at work at the Ping-Pong table.

6:45 PM, Thursday, June 27, 2019

Checking out Undercover. Need to see what's trending on Netflix. Never stop researching the Dutch; they invented modern medicine, which knows what they'll be up to next.

7:05 PM, Thursday, June 27, 2019

I'm in a groove, but my son is now home. I have to hang with him, so he won't blame his future failures on me. I want to finish my column, but I can't. The children are our future.

7:15 PM, Thursday, June 27, 2019

An idea. My column will be about procrastination. It will be my gift to writers on "my process" and how I keep it together. I'll write soon now that the hard part is done.

7:24 PM, Thursday, June 27, 2019

I'm ready to start my column. Most of the work, for the people who pay me, is done. They are always reminding me that they pay me. Beyond Madison Avenue is pure; it's for the soul. My son needs help with Premiere. I'll put off writing my column to help a child. I can't believe Beyond Madison Avenue would get between a father and son.

7:33 PM, Thursday, June 27, 2019

Deadlines are ridiculous. How dare they put deadlines on creativity? I'll finish, and it will be, just, okay. I blame everyone who is keeping these column(s) from being great, the readers who suck the life out of you, demanding editors, and the Internet. There are too many obstacles to creativity. How can anyone write?

6:30 PM, Friday, June 28, 2019

I have parts of two completed pieces. I'm sure they won't thank me for my diligence. I have another one due soon. I'll start now and have it done early. So, basically, three pieces are now done. The damn kid wants food. He can go to Hell. I'll order pizza. I'll have to answer the door. I might as well wait until after we eat.

7:45 PM, Friday, June 27, 2019

Ready to write after eating.

8:00 PM, Friday, June 27, 2019

Let's rock the keyboard. Oh. I have to feed the dog

8:00 PM, Friday, June 27, 2019

I need another idea. I'll watch House Hunters International. People are buying in Mexico. I want to live in Mexico. There's probably have advertising there. When I finish my columns, get sign-off on the pitch deck, finish my book, screenplay, and case briefs for law school, I will live in Mexico and freelance for a Mexican agency. Real estate in Mexico is cheap. I could move with my boy and finish all this work there.

8:30 PM, Friday, June 27, 2019

Cool, they have butterflies in Mexico. I'll study butterflies and write a book. I'll be a naturalist. My son just went out on his skateboard. I better get mine and make sure he's safe. A lot of good ideas come on that board.

They have cool gelato places in Birmingham. I think I'll get ice cream. I should do something about advertising in the south. I lived in Memphis, St. Petersburg, Birmingham, Chapel Hill, and Tallahassee. Bicycles are big in Amsterdam. I lived in Amsterdam. I fell in a canal. They have some excellent agencies there.

8:45 PM, Friday, June 27, 2019

You have to think to be a writer. Don't be scattered. You can't generate ideas if you aren't disciplined.

I'll write and listen to Pistol Annies and the new Black Keys album. You know, Gwyneth Paltrow had a GOOP health summit. Although she was called an "extortionist" and barely showed up for her own event, I think I would have found value in paying the $5,700 (which included a golden massage. But, no, I had to write a column. It's tough being the voice of a generation. Who names someone Gwyneth? I'll write a baby-naming book. You know the Beatles did "Dear Prudence." I like that name, Prudence. Prudence may have been a mom, though, and not a baby. It's nice; if my son were a girl, he would have been Jimi. Jimi is a cool girl's name. But, he's a boy, but I'd never name him Mumford. Mumford and Son. Love them. They're depressing.

9:00 PM, Friday, June 27, 2019

Okay, Shark Tank binge MSNBC. I have a cool business. I'm thinking of the sharks will love it. Research never stops.

10:00 PM, Friday, June 27, 2019

20/20, I bet the wife did it. I really watched it for the ads, my work, and the column will be better for it.

11:00 PM, Friday, June 27, 2019

If I write the column now, it would be like, just get it done and not from a place I want to be, mentally. I'll go to the office this weekend for the pitch deck. It'll be quiet. I'll write the piece; the editors will love it. They'll love that I sacrifice weekends. Everyone will love the pitch deck. Hey! My partner is supposed to be doing mood boards. He better not be putting this stuff off. Art directors. You can't keep them focused. I hope they're digital mood boards; I wonder what an Influencer gets paid? I wonder what's better, Influencer or Disruptor? I wonder if they all wrap under Thought Leader.

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