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  • Brian Keller

Go Brian Go

Updated: Oct 23, 2022

This is long, but if you're on Facebook, you're arguing about politics, looking at pictures of food, or both. Please look at my aptitude tests, too.

Everybody who knows me is probably aware that nothing is too small to impede me from being productive. So, the other day I was contacted by a company that wanted me to apply to be a Director of Marketing; way to go, ATS (I have nothing to do with marketing; I'm a creative director/copywriter - by trade. But, I figured, cool, I'll apply as I love to not get jobs I'm not qualified for, like Respiratory Therapist (way to go, ATS). Well, today is my lucky day they (they seem to be clearing house which you sign up for to get jobs. I said cool. I'll be a director of marketing and push people around and continue to blame people who aren't me. "Bring it on." said I. They said via a very dumb message I would have to take a test. I pushed the button to play a video starring a young, friendly hipster looking off camera on a set where the lighting instruments are in view to boost the cool quotient; hold on, laddie, as I almost threw up a fist full of Pringles, I don't take cognitive tests. I did that for Grad School – I got into one of the best in this great country of ours, law school – I got into an excellent law school. In high school (they had to take me), I had to take the ridiculous SAT, and I slaughtered that bastard so heartily that the high school called in my parent's wanting to know how I could finish so close to the bottom of the class in GPA and so close (third from the bottom) to the top three in the SAT. My parents felt that it came from watching Dick Van Dyke, listening to Jean Shepard and Steve Allen, and reading Catch-22 every few days. Now, I'm a writer, and all I have needed to be successful is a multiplicity of neuroses and an adequate number of voices in my head to keep me company during hard times. Why do I need to know how many pies a pie company can make when their flour shipments drop below the amount of steel we import from Chile? So, anyway, I decided to play their game (I refer you, once again, to the fact that it takes just a paucity of stimulus to distract me from anything worthwhile). I decided to take the test with a twist; I endeavored to fail miserably. I committed to reading things on the test to get the answers wrong. The first test I took disappointed the company and me, too as I got 18% correct. I didn't apply myself. I was offered a second opportunity, jumped at it, and took it seriously. I read the questions, finished all fifty questions in the fifteen minutes provided, and scored 8%. They told me I couldn't move on to more stupid testing and sent me an email removing me from consideration for the Director of Marketing job. Now, I must go work at my real job; I'm sure they'll be pleased when they see this #chromavision – Motion Picture services (very cool creative, too led by me who writes good and did good on the SAT) other stuff). So, dear big companies, why don't you get to know the resumes you get? Yes, it's a pain, but maybe you'll find qualified people. And dear ATS, because I have worked on many healthcare accounts, I don't think you would want me to intubate you. Does anybody at Crossover Dot COM need any help?

NOTE: The job I applied for was Director of Marketing - I was turned down. I was also turned down for Creative Director ( I didn't apply). How cool is that?

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