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  • Brian Keller

Brian's Life Hack

Sometimes during this incredible life, I lead I'm chosen to fill out a form. I don't mind at all. So, I was filling out a form, and I got to a question about my sex; they wanted to know what I was.

I wanted to be helpful, but nothing on this list seemed to fit.

1. Male

2. Female

3. Transgender man

4. Transgender woman

5. Genderqueer/non-binary

6. Agender

7. Different identity

8. Questioning

9. Identification

So,, being thorough, I read the definition on that Internet, we all so enjoy on how to define sex. I found this helpful. At birth, a midwife, nurse, or physician examines your external genitalia and then gives you sex. Now, my mom was a nurse and my dad a doctor, but there was never any mention of the external genitalia or my sex in the house. But I figured it would be easy to figure out. I went back to the Internet for help, and I found more definitions and another list of about six sexes and 60 or so other choices for gender. So, I got bored because I didn’t want to be any of them BUT, like a Phoenix, I pulled myself up by my bootstraps and invented this new term, Agenda Fluid, that COVERS EVERYTHING and is perfect for everyone, especially if you’re like me and highly unskilled with a big mouth. Agenda Fluid means that whenever you're pressed with a problem, just identify with one that gets you out of trouble with the least path of resistance. Just the other night, while having a lovely Chardonnay at my local gastro pub, I encountered members of the Aryan Brotherhood at a nearby table who were going to kill me because I looked like a native Manhattanite. I quickly employed Agenda Fluid, and I identified as a Right-Wing Extremist.

Next thing you know, we were doing Crystal Meth and exploring the desert for arrowheads. I've also identified as a Democrat when confronted by whining people wanting to cancel me, and a Republican when I want to overthrow a government and not be arrested. And speaking of genitalia, I identified as a rapper after being caught and recorded screaming the (lots of genitalia in that one) at someone in traffic. My rant is now number 3 on Billboard’s Hot 100, and I think I'm now married to one of those Kardashians. So, you see Agenda Fluid.

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